How Far I Went To Have A Baby

Growing up, there was a Nollywood movie I watched where the woman was so desperate to conceive that she went as far as seeing an herbalist who collected a large sum of money from her, saw her nakedness at the pretense of bathing her and when she finally gave birth, she gave birth to a yam! I was like ”serves her right for not waiting on God!” I never knew this desperate woman is me.

One who never walks the lonely, sad, dark path of infertility can never know how hard it is, I’ve tried all I could to leave the clique of people who are trying to conceive into the club of mothers, I didn’t just up and leave my God, I looked unto God, prayed, gave to the motherless children, paid my tithe faithfully and worked vigorously in the house of God.

I never wished any woman who just gave birth ill, I bless them with gifts and use them as a point of contact for my own testimony, but when the spending on fertility treatments became endless, and it seems the doctors have turned me into their regular customer.

When my in-laws began to give me the evil eyes and see every kind act I did towards them as me bribing them, when each time I visit a woman who just delivered my eyes will become misty and the tears will threaten to fall, then the new mother will collect her baby from my hand before I bath her little one with my sorrowful tears I succumbed. I left the path I was brought up in because of tribulation and I regret it.

I’ve heard women testify about getting pregnant after paying a visit to the “yeye Osun” so the last Osun Osogb0 festival I attended the ceremony, not just to be entertained but I thought maybe just maybe I might become a mother by becoming devoted to Yeye Osun.

Do you know? I was even ready to be one of their gourd carriers, but I heard only virgins can be an Osun Oshogbo gourd carrier. I went, drank the water, performed the normal rites and went back home, believing maybe yeye Osun will talk to God on my behalf.

When after 3 months, nothing happened, I’d already given up on it, but then a friend of mine told me about a prophet who helped a friend of her friend conceive even though she didn’t have a womb.

So I followed my friend to see her wonder prophet, he isn’t a pastor, No, he is an herbalist who does “good”. After eating some concoctions he gave me for months, he told me I was pregnant, and I was instructed to be coming there every two months till I deliver.

Each time I went there, he would give me something to bath with and a concoction to drink, at the end of the 9 months, he delivered me of a baby girl and gave me rules and regulations.

Note: I wasn’t excited about the pregnancy as I couldn’t even do a scan to know what I was carrying, but, the birth made me a believer. One look at my beautiful little girl and I was ready to kiss the man’s feet if he says so.

The rules and regulation he gave me were

  • Your daughter should not walk in the 1’0 clock afternoon sun.
  • You must not celebrate her first birthday but subsequent birthdays should be celebrated in grand style.
  • Your daughter must not wear the clothes someone has worn before.

I didn’t see any of these as a problem until later. The clothes given to her during the naming ceremony were scrutinized just to be sure none of them are okrika, and me, a seller of grade A okrika couldn’t pick the best of the whole bale for my daughter. As for the 1’0 clock sun, I would pick her up from school when it was 12′ o clock as the teachers couldn’t be trusted to keep her from entering the sun.

I wondered what I would do when she started school fully, but I never got to find out. On the eve of the day she was to clock 3 years old, she cried out from her sleep and before we could get to her, she had given up the ghost.

I was left with an empty palm as the giver of the Ogbanje daughter decided to take her back. I spent days asking God for forgiveness and went for deliverance, all the while, my husband who never said yes or no when I was going around, started calling me a fetish woman.

Thanks to God who forgives the sins of men, 3 months after the death of my daughter, when I was still wallowing in guilt and praying for forgiveness, God answered my prayer and I conceived, God gave me a son.

The boy is 4 years old and even though I’ve seen no sign of another child coming, but in all this I learnt 2 lessons;

  1. Never take the short cut as it can turn to a long one, God’s time is the best, always wait on him.
  2. Only God’s blessing comes without problem.
  3. Never give up on God.

I’m still waiting on him for a second child, and I know he won’t fail me.

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My Child Died By My Hands

Sometimes in life, we wish we can turn back the hands of time and change things, but there’s nothing I can do to bring back my dead son, worse still, I have no other child since his death. If he were alive, Aramide should be clocking 4 years old today. I remember the day he met his Maker and the details of his death as if it were yesterday, the sight of his bloodied body haunts me at night. There are days I wake up screaming from nightmares with his name in my mouth. “Aramide! Aramide! Don’t go!” I would scream with my hands stretched as if to bring him back, then wake up with tear filled eyes and hands outstretched.  

No, I didn’t stab him to death with a kitchen knife or anything gory like that. That fateful afternoon, my mother came from Owo to Lagos to see her grandchild, so we picked her up from the park. Aramide was in his car seat in the front seat, while my mother was at the back, he started crying while touching his left foot, my mother picked him up from his car seat so she can see what was pinching him in the foot.

She found that a hair strand was tied to his toe, I was surprised “How did that happen? I’m on low cut so that hair is definitely not mine” I replied

I can’t remember the details of what happened next, I took off my eyes from the road for a minute to see the hair my mom was talking about and when I returned my eyes to the road, I saw I was running into the mouth of the incoming trailer, I skidded and went back to my lane, too late!

The car was off the road and it kept going until something stopped it. I blacked out.

When I opened my eyes, I found myself at the hospital and the first thing I asked was

“What happened?” “Where’s my son”

The injury to me and my mom was mild because we were belted down, the look on my husband’s face changed when I asked about our son.

He answered with a hoarse voice “Get well soon so you can see him”

“Well I’m fine now and I want to see him immediately” I said and immediately removed the needle supplying drips to my body, it stung but I couldn’t feel the pain.

I just knew something wasn’t right, something told me my baby is gone but I didn’t want to believe it, before I could get out of the hospital bed, my husband held me back, “He’s no more, Aramide is dead” he said and burst into tears.

I slumped and black out again. I woke up the third day, “Is she awake?”I could hear my mom saying weakly beside the bed. I woke up with tears in my eyes “We killed him, we did!” I kept saying.

I was discharged from the hospital but I never remained the same again, my mom was ridden with guilt too, she became terribly ill, and at her sick bed, she kept saying “I shouldn’t have come here” I didn’t dispute that, I kept hammering on “We killed her”

Needless to say, the guilt killed her, she died a week after the death of Ara and I became even more sad. I should have reassured her, I should have told her it’s not her fault.

I know I didn’t kill my mom, no, I didn’t, she died of heartache, but my son died by my hand, if only I had made sure he was safely tucked in in his baby car seat, if only I had pulled over to examine what was hurting him, I would still have my sweet baby with me right now.

Now the boy keeps coming to me in my dreams, he keeps tormenting my soul, I want closure, I want to forget, but how can I when I see him in my waking and sleeping moments? I can’t even try to get pregnant in this state of mind.

I don’t want to die of heart-ache, I don’t want to end up like my mom. How do I achieve closure, how do I tell myself it’s not my fault? Please help!


Please ensure your children wear seat belt while inside your car, share this article on Facebook, Twitter or Whatsapp so your friends can see the danger in not belting their child up when driving.

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